A genuine critique on the joviality of the festive season and its consequences

Lets face it Christmas has been shoved down our throats and especially our Ears since Boxing day, we’re constantly bombarded with the image of snow and rosy faced kids all happy while the family gather around a lovely golden turkey.

The Reality is that the parents have bankrupted themselves on a piece of plastic Vomit that cost £100 just because it has High School Musical written on it, the family hate each others guts and the turkey…isn’t.

While I’m feeling festive the winner of the worlds worst tree went to my Hometown. Apparently some Eco-mentalist thought it would be great to plant a shrubbery in the middle of the village, surround it with a metal frame and stick some gaudy lights around it. The result was an international laughing stock.

Nobody wants a tree that grows, nobody is going to be stood around it in 6 months time going “Ooo our tree is reet canny” as a result tragically the tree was destroyed by vandals, this made me angry, had they done it this weekend I’d have won a bet and be slightly richer.

The whole Saga of the tree proved a few things:

#1 Sacriston Parish Council shouldn’t be allowed to run a public convenience, let alone a village of 3000

#2 Someone is willing to pay £125 for a stump (Methinks the council is on the fiddle, then again this is the Village Kevan Jones MP has made his home (No 2nd home joke today) and if that useless corrupt piece of pond life lives here then it’s a good bet.

The Tree did one thing though it united the village that usually only unites during a riot. But once again it would be like polishing a turd in that place as long as the ASBO squad live there it will and always be a black spot.

So Back to Christmas and the other main tradition is the battle for the Number one spot.
A position usually dominated by the ‘X Idol who has talent’ show, the winner of which has the personality of beige painted blown vynl wallpaper and the voice of a seal with its nuts trapped in a bear trap, who only won because he was “From here like.” I Imagine if Osama had been from Bensham would people on 9/12 been saying “Aye he may have blawn the buildins up but e’s from ’round here man, ya canna hate a blowke from ‘ere.”

Much Like last year the great satan, Facebook has launched a campaign to top the charts with Rage Against the Machine and ‘Killing in the Name of,’ a great festive song. Simon Cowell has come out and said in interviews that it is a hate campaign against him.

RATM been Number 1 isn’t a slight on Simon. It IS a slight on the manufactured shit dribble down the back of the leg he continues to trot out year after year with the Exception of Leona Lewis the rest have faded into obscurity (Alexandra is only memorable now because instead of her fading away in March they kept her out the limelight until the Autumn so she fades away as Joe ‘Beige’ Mcshite takes over.

So Christmas Becomes a dissapointment, instead of snowy landscapes and warm yuletide spirit, you wake up in a freezing house open Presents that no matter how great they are never quite seem to fill the gaping hole in your soul, eat dinner, sleep then go to bed wondering ‘Was that it?’

Oh and to Iceland RE: the Nolan sister


Just Stop.

Mam incase you see this I can’t wait to come back and open my presents that Will fill the hole this year, just no tricks with boxes of pans this year mmmmmmkay.


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